Meet the Ultimate Centrist. No, not your uncle who listens to NPR and thinks both parties “have valid points.” We’re talking about the final boss of centrism. The philosophical eldritch horror of neutrality. The human Schrödinger’s cat of political discourse. A person so aggressively moderate, they make Chidi from The Good Place look like a radical anarchist with a megaphone and a Molotov.
The Ultimate Centrist is a living paradox. They believe every position—and also none. On any issue, no matter how black-and-white, they insist it’s “complex” before performing rhetorical backflips that end in a moral gray goo. They look at fascism and anti-fascism and say, “Well, let’s not rush to judgment,” and then propose a compromise based on apartheid, but like… an ethical apartheid. Whatever that means. Not even they know. That’s part of the mystique.
Ask them their thoughts on abortion and you won’t get a position—you’ll get a metaphysical dissertation. “What is life?” they ask, while scribbling definitions on a whiteboard. “What is a fetus? What is non-life? What is the self? What is choice, really?” By the time they’re done, you’ve forgotten what the question was. The only certainty is uncertainty.
They believe in change—but only in ways that preserve the status quo. They reject the two-party system, but think even moderates are too extreme. They propose a new Radical Middle Party that’s more centrist than the center, a party that stands firmly in the middle of every road, proudly getting hit by traffic from all directions. Their slogan? “We demand transformation—gradually, cautiously, and only if it won’t offend anyone.”
Social issues? Oh, they’re down the rabbit hole. Gender and pronouns aren’t just matters of identity—they’re riddles, linguistic traps, philosophical trick boxes. “Are pronouns real?” they ask, eye twitching. “Or are they just societal illusions to control discourse?” Meanwhile, the person asking to be called “they/them” is still waiting for a simple yes.
Race? Another spiral. “Race is a social construct,” they proclaim, “but society treats it as real, which makes it real-fake, or maybe fake-real. If I can’t choose my race, but race isn’t real, then who am I?” You were just asking if they support affirmative action. Now you’re questioning the matrix.
Their foreign policy proposals involve defunding and simultaneously refunding the military into a non-military alternative that’s like a military but ethically branded. They’ll say ICE should be abolished, but also rebooted as something nicer. The cops? Defund them, abolish them, then bring them back as “Community Response Integrity Technicians” who show up in hybrid cars with soft voices and firm vests.
They listen to everyone. Farron Balanced. Ben Shapiro. Vaush. Fox News. HasanAbi. Alex Jones. MSNBC. They think Joe Rogan and Dave Rubin are important truth brokers. They follow Thought Slime and Nick Fuentes just to stay “informed.” Their YouTube history is a bipartisan crime scene. They are the only person who sincerely watches debate bros for the nuance.
And the wildest part? They aren’t even sure they’re centrist enough. They fear being too partisan by even identifying as centrist. They call themselves a “freethinking independent trans-partisan nuance advocate.” They say the political compass is too linear, the political web too simplistic. Politics, to them, is more like the aftermath of a tornado—chaotic, destructive, unknowable. Maybe even beautiful.
They are the Ultimate Centrist. And their power is terrifying.